How I came out.

I was a little unsure of what kind of posts I could do for the rest of the month of June. Like, of course, I could talk about my favorite queer horror films/characters and stuff. But that is just me regurgitating information. And while it’s good, it’s not very personal.

A good friend talking about coming out, and what that was all like for me. I was a bit hesitant at first. There were two reasons for this.

1. My coming out story is not very interesting.
2. We all know that coming out is never just a one-time thing.

But honestly, maybe I should. Not many people know how I came out as it’s not something I have thought about much. But my coming out story actually marks the day I asked my partner to go out with me.

I was born and raised to Christian parents, or at least people who became Christians shortly after I was born. And some people already know how that life can be. I didn’t really get exposed to any sort of queerness in my life until I was a teenager, through being a furry.

I was convinced that I was straight, specifically thinking that “I was one of the good ones.” That mentality was fucked up, now that I think about it.

I met furries, wonderful people (some of whom I am still close to today.) I met my partner, both of us were in high school and we became friends on Google Plus if you believe it.

Now, there’s a lot to be said about my religious parents and how my computer/phone were policed and checked, but that’s more trauma related than it is coming out related.

The point is, I was good friends with this wonderful person who I felt a close connection to. And one night, eight or so years ago in the month of August, things started to click for me.

I started to realize that I was interested in exploring my feelings with my good friend (and now partner.) For the sake of clarity, it’s mostly been online as we are long-distance, I was texting them late one night while playing cards with my grandmother. (Back before either of us had come out as non-binary.) And as I was thinking about it all, I typed out a quick text that was somewhere along the lines of “Would you want to go out with me?”

It’s been eight years. Neither of us can remember the point that we decided we were dating. We just kind of both accepted it. (I asked to be sure. Like, neither of us remembers.)

Yeah. But this of course wasn’t the end of it. Being raised in a christian home, and thinking with the mind of someone who thought they were a Christian… I don’t know if this phrasing is even grammatically correct. But there were so many times that I felt this inner conflict with myself. I felt like the bad guy. I don’t blame myself for it now, but I did back then. And it was always myself that I blamed.

I made my first real queer friend in college. Someone who was able to come alongside me in my first days as a queer person learning to accept himself. This was the second really positive experience I had with coming out. And having someone tell me that it was okay to be queer really boosted my confidence and made me spread my roots.

However, the confidence I had was not used in the best way. I don’t remember the year, but one day (around thanksgiving) I decided to come out to my dad. My dad has this habit, where when he is really mad, he walks away to cool off and calm down. And then, you have someone who is so afraid of what his response would be (me) following him and trying to get him to talk to them. It was an awful experience. Coming out to my mom was just as bad, as she had the “it’s just a phase” mindset and just would not accept it. One of my biggest mistakes in life was thinking they would ever accept my sexuality.

Their response was to tell me not to talk about it, especially not to my sisters. Of course, I didn’t listen completely and accidentally spilled the beans one day. They both seemed chill and asked questions and asked me if I would have cake at the wedding (because, come on. Priorities.) But then I would get in trouble for talking about my sexuality. It was a pattern, that really bugged me and drove a wedge between my sisters and I. I thought for sure that one (in particular) was telling dad that I was talking about gay to them… I was wrong, I guess.

I went through a lot of fucked up stuff as a teenager that was mostly mentally bad for me, and it didn’t all have to do with my sexuality. Even my writing was either very dark, or very closeted. The furry community, specifically members of the Furry Writers Guild, were a godsend because I was able to find a place where my types of stories would be accepted. (I loved using anthro characters before I even knew what furry was.)

Through all of my journey as a queer person, I have been able to grow into someone I can be proud of. I don’t have to hide my identity from my family, I can choose to just not show it to them. I can surround myself with people who make me feel loved and cared for.

I have been able to experience the emotions and feelings, as my sexuality and gender have changed drastically. I am non-binary. I figured out that I don’t really feel any attachment to specifically being a man or a woman. Now, I get little rushes of happiness when people call me they/them. I don’t hate being called “Ma’am” (though that may be from being in education for five years.) Hell, I answer to practically anything thanks to the ADHD.

This post is all scrambled and I am not sure I did it all right. But I do want to say that things are actually easier now. I am out at my job, as non-binary and queer. Being only a deli associate makes it so much easier to be open with coworkers. I regularly play pokemon with a group of guys who know about my sexuality and are okay with it. And the internet has given me an opportunity to express queerness in a safe space. I now write queer, and sometimes spicy, stories. I have outlets to express myself in so many ways. Gay furry fiction, horror films, the pokemon TCG. I got to play DnD with other queer furries. I have been to furry conventions and been around all of the beautiful queer friends I have made. I have so many wonderful things in my life that stem directly from my journey as a queer individual.

Sorry if this was discombobulating. I hope this was an okay post.
Till next time.