Story Snippet: Ten Ways to Survive a Slasher Film

Hey! Have you been enjoying the excerpts from my collection? I am so happy that I have been able to share sneak peeks into the stories inside. And it took me a bit to figure out what the last one should be.

And then it hit me. This is a blog! My blog. And one of my first posts on this new blog was a little number called Ten Ways To Survive a Horror Movie (Seven Years Later) which was so fun to write.

But what if I told you, I had another version of this list that was specific to Slasher Movies?

Yeah. I know. It’s in the title. Blah blah. Can you let me have my fun?

This next snippet is written in the form of a hobby article for a college paper, specifically during the month of October. Ain’t it funny how that works out with the timing of this post? And to top it off, this article is technically not written by me (I mean it is, but not in the universe of the story.)

Please enjoy the last snippet I will be sharing from my collection. This is the article that opens my story “Ten Ways To Survive a Slasher Film”

Ten Ways to Survive a Slasher Movie
By Olivia Kennedy

With Halloween slowly approaching from around the corner, quite a few things are on our minds. Horror, terror, tricks, and maybe even a few scary movies. Do you like scary movies? What’s your favorite scary movie? Do you think you can survive your favorite scary movie?

No, seriously. Think about it. Everyone knows about scary movies. They’re an acquired taste, but some people love them. Some folks love things that make their tails shudder, and their fur stand on its end. Some even sit and scream at the characters on their TV screen. We scream things like “Don’t go in there, idiot!” or “Don’t stop running! You’re literally inches away from safety!” But would we, the viewers, fare any better than these fictional characters?

Of course, these movies are all fictional. But what if one day, while you’re just living your daily life – minding your own business – an evil force sets its sights on you? A spectre of death — a deranged sociopath — has decided that your time to shuffle off this mortal coil has come. Is it for revenge? Convenience? Greed? Or maybe just because they want you dead in general? You don’t know why! Why isn’t an important question when you’re fighting for your life! Your main goal is to get out alive.

So, how would you fare? We all love thinking about how we’d do such a better job staying alive than these stupid fictional characters. But we’ve never lived out these movies. Who in their right mind would ever want to?

No one would ever want to be that poor, unfortunate soul our feature film opens on. Want to learn how to keep your blood from spilling on the silver screen?
Here are ten ways to survive a slasher movie.

1. There is safety in numbers. A character being alone in a slasher film almost always means that something will happen to them. So, make sure you’re staying in a group of two or more whenever possible. You don’t need to be around people you like; you just need to be living, breathing things you can trust (or outrun.)
   
2. Don’t split the party. If it’s applicable in tabletop roleplaying games, it is applicable almost anywhere. If you’re with a group of other critters, don’t go off alone or with a smaller group! If your friend asks you to follow them outside or down to the garage for more drinks – I hate to break it to you, but that person may not be your friend. Splitting the parties in horror films never goes well for the group.
   
3. Always have a backup plan. If you ever end up alone while there is a killer on the loose, know your options. Don’t situate yourself somewhere where the entrance and exit are the same door. Make sure you know and have access to every single exit. Front door, back door, or even a window could do the trick. The most important thing is to have a way to GTFO.
   
4. Don’t hide upstairs. If misfortune finds you fleeing from a murderous killer in the comfort of your home, the worst thing you can do is run up the stairs. Seriously. Spur of the moment decisions like that have proven detrimental to quite a few horror movie characters. No. If you can run for the door, throw it open and get out. The killer probably won’t chase you out of the house and down the road. (Unless they are undead or magical. In those cases, you’re screwed.) If you are unable to get out the front door, find another exit. But don’t box yourself in on the second floor!
   
5. If you think you might be in trouble, call the cops. Will they be any help? Who knows! If you’ve entered a slasher situation, probably not. But if it gets other people to your house, your chances of making it out alive go up by a lot. Remember, there is safety in numbers. Whether they do anything to help or not, you’ll be safer with them than alone with a masked killer.
   
6. Don’t pick up the phone. For some reason, horror movie killers love modern means of communication: phone calls, texts, or any other form of online media. They want engagement; don’t give it to them. If you ever get a call or text from an unknown number, don’t answer. Let it ring. If a conversation with a friend starts to give off some major red flags, hang up and refer to step five. If someone texts you threats or cryptic clues, leave them on read. Or even better, leave them on delivered.
   
7. Keep it in your pants. It’s common knowledge that one of the fundamental rules of horror films is “Don’t have sex while a killer is running around.” While that alone is a fantastic rule, my list is adding another rule in relation to this rule. Please — for the love of any deity you believe in — don’t flirt with the scary masked murderer with a knife. This isn’t a wet dream! The only penetration you’re getting is cold steel through the back of your neck.
   
8. Carry something to protect yourself. Murderers or killers will use their weapons to deliver you into the jaws of death, so be ready to return the favor. Traditional weapons for horror movie heroes are usually guns or sharp objects like knives. But not everyone has easy access or foresight to equip effective weaponry like that. Blunt objects, glass objects, something solid that you can hold in one hand. Anything that can do enough damage to strike down or throw off your attacker will do.
   
9. Everybody is a suspect. An anonymous masked killer means one thing. Anyone could be under that mask. Hell, there may be more than one masked assailant. And if they’re killing people you know, there is a strong likelihood that you know them. So, do not trust anyone! If you are around anyone you don’t trust, just refer to rule number one. Even if you don’t trust anyone in the group, the odds of being murdered decrease if you’re around ten or more people. Or at least they should.
   
10. Don’t be an asshole. Being kind or well-liked in a horror film will never guarantee your survival in horror movies. But you know who always dies in these movies? The worst of the worst. Jerks, abusers, creeps, perverts, catty bullies. They always die in these movies. Usually, they’re among the first to go. So you know, just don’t be awful to people. Even if it doesn’t guarantee your safety, at least you’re not guaranteed to die a bloody death.

There you have it. Ten easy ways to increase your chances of making it to the end credits of a slasher film. If you ever find yourself cast in a gruesome horror show and survive, let me know how these tips worked out. And if you don’t, rest in peace.

There’s so much more to read with this one too! And I am so excited to share it all! I will be updating with more news once things are ready to move forward with the collection!

^-^ If you were able to catch every excerpt, just know that I am so grateful and I appreciate you. I appreciate all the support. Knowing that someone might read my work and really enjoy it fills me with the best kind of feeling.