Adventures in the Tubi Horror Library: Not all of them can be Winners.

Tubi is home to lots of movies, and just like the title says, not all of them can be winners.

Tubi is the home of Pitchfork currently. This film sits currently at my least favorite horror movie ever¹, both in execution and in ranking. Well… stay tuned.

I will be covering four movies in this post. Movies that are 5/10 and under. Now why am I covering multiple movies in one post? Well, they didn’t make too much of an impression on me. They have their ups and downs, but they were ultimately middle-ground movies. I will make sure to share a bit about each movie, but I will not be sharing much outside of my favorite things and some noteable disappointments I had. And possibly recommending one or two of them for a good time.

Movie Theater Massacre: 4.75/10

Movie Theater Massacre was a decent watch. It held my attention for the most part, though it almost lost it once or twice. It looked genuinely fun to participate in, and the actors (while performances were a tad shaky) seemed to have good chemistry with each other. Like I genuinely believed that these people were all coworkers and friends. The film had a few moments of comedy, or at least moments that made me laugh (Scream Queen, Linnea Quigley² plays a medium in a really fun cameo.) The character of Wily easily stands out, as he’s the funniest and feels the most natural playing his character. Only real notable downsides were the weird plot resolution where the killer³ is sent flying off into the sky by ghosts, and the amount of times it’s implied that streaming has ruined the movie-going experience. Yes. Streaming has kind of ruined movie-going experiences, but the movie really goes heavy-handed with it.

Slashlorette Party: 4.5/10

This movie was okay. A soon-to-be-bride is experiencing marital doubt as she dreams of her soon-to-be-husband (A Grade-A Asshat named Dolph) murdering her at the altar. Seriously, Fuck Dolph. Positives of this movie? There were a few minutes of solid comedy, like the stripper’s timing and the “Hi, My name is Dean” speech. I also really liked the characters of Nia and Finn. And it takes a special kind of actor to make me hate a character that is written to be hateable. Dolph’s actor really sold me on how much I should hate him, so thank you Andrew Brown. Unfortunately, the circle of friends is even worse in that they contribute to keeping main character Brie in a bad situation, and that they’re just… really boring. Alexa is the only other friend from the group that made any kind of impression on me. And I don’t even remember what happened to her by the end of the movie. The villains were… honestly kind of predictable and dumb. The movie also had a really depressing, confusing, and lackluster ending.

Glamping: 5/10

Another Tubi original movie, this one was kind of mid. It follows a wannabe-influencer, turned overnight sensation, turned disgraced beauty guru (yes. This happens within a few minutes, thanks to the power of montage!) who decides to take her friends glamping. And of course, bad things ensue. Because of fucking course they do, it’s a goddamn horror movie. Positive things! Aside from the main character, I liked the core cast of Gabe, Syd, and John. And despite my qualms with her character, I did think Rosemary Idisi did well in the role of Olivia Tate. I thought she did really well as a character obsessed with social media standing and her need for recognition. Some of the effects are pretty noteworthy as well, and when the true killer’s motives were revealed, they kind of made sense⁴. Now for the negatives. There doesn’t seem like there was enough time dedicated to the actual horror elements of this movie. I know the social media aspects of this movie were important, but it just was a lot. And I feel like it didn’t need to be as emphasized as it was. While the reveal of the killer and their motive was good, it was accompanied by the reveal of a really messed up thing the main character did and it kind of came out of left field in a bad way. Like, it made sense for the character to do it, sort of? But like, it felt like there should have been hints at the character’s ability to sink as low as she did. I do think that if I had to pick one of these four to do a rewatch of, this would be the one I’d pick. It was easily the most horror-y

Death Rink: 2/10

Ladies, Gentleman, and likeminded genderful/genderless folks. This movie was so bad, I would rather watch Pitchfork again, and honestly… honestly, I might if ever asked to watch this movie again. It’s about a killer that attacks and slowly picks off each member of a skating rink’s night staff. And that’s about it. The most noteable thing about this movie is that the more prevelant supporting character Wendy, and the much more iconic (with less screentime) Alisha fucking haaaaaate each other. Amanda Courtney and Meg Smith had wonderful interactions and chemistry as they hurled insults and fingers at one another every time they were on screen and brought a genuine smile to my face. This beef was the only thing that kept my interest the whole movie. I don’t mind sharing this because I am not recommending you watch it. They made the huge mistake of not keeping this fued going for more of the movie’s runtime. That’s it. If the story made sense, or the characters were more likeable, maybe the movie could have been ranked higher. The killer reveal didn’t surprise me because I didn’t care by the time they were revealed.

1. I have it rated a personal 2.5/10 ↩︎
2. Fun fact! Linnea Quigley also shows up in a cameo during “Death Drop Gorgeous” a movie I need to rewatch at some point! ↩︎
3. The killer is never actually revealed, and that part may bug me more than how silly the shot of the masked man waving his arms as he is tossed away by unseen spirits. ↩︎
4. There could have been a better lead-up to this specific perp’s motivations, as we barely even get a glimpse of them in the entire movie until this point. ↩︎

There we go! Four movies in one post! I am glad I was able to fit them all together because there was not enough about these movies that warranted individual posts.