Ten Ways to Survive a Horror Film. (Seven Years Later)

Back in 2017, I wrote a post called Ten Ways to Survive a Horror Film (Not to be confused with “Ten Ways to Survive a Slasher Film” #comingsoon >:3) in which I used my characters to detail some silly horror scenarios. However, I am not the same age as I was back then. I am a very serious author now… Okay, maybe not so serious. But I did want to go back and rewrite this post, as I seem to be really decent when it comes to rewriting things. (>:3)

Back in 2017, I was a different person. I claimed to not like horror movies as they were scary and super shady. I also claimed that half of the characters were really stupid. I only believe one of these statements now. Now I know better. Horror films have provided a weird escape for me, and anyone who knows me will confirm that I enjoy them. The unwise nature of people in horror films is sometimes understandable now, as adrenaline and quick-thinking in films may not always lead to the smartest of decisions. However, did you know that some of the worst of decisions in horror films happen when there is little-to-no danger?

That’s right! It’s time for a list, besties!

1. Do some damn research!
   Most horror films start with a family (or just a single person) moving to a small town/haunted house or some weird sketchy place like that. But they don’t realize things are arwy until shit starts going down. But, my friends, the internet is free. Look up the town you’re moving to! Read some online reviews of places or products. Chances are, if there is any negativity involving death or hauntings, you may not want to go there or invest any money in going there. Alternatively, don’t trust word of mouth when it comes to these kind of things. Do your own research. The movie Sinister (starring Ethan Hawke) is a great example of this. I won’t spoil the plot of the film, but those who have seen it will know what I mean.
   
2. Stay away from abandoned buildings or areas.
   This should be self-explanatory. Any creepy abandoned area should be an automatic red flag that screams “Stay away! I am bad news.” Don’t go stay overnight because one of your boneheaded friends double dared you too. Don’t go into an abandoned house to ask for help with your broken down car. And don’t go to a party in a rickety ass farm house, and NO I don not care that Chad Radson is throwing a bangin party. Do you want to party, or do you want to survive the film?
   
3. Don’t stop running.
   The original third tip was to not looks behind you, but that doesn’t really work. However, it is useful in one scenario. When you are being chased by something or someone, running is the main priority. You run. And you do not stop running until you are one hundred percent sure that whatever is after you has lost interest. Chances are, if you run long enough, the pursuer will probably lose interest. Unless they’re played by like… Kane Hodder or some shit. Then you may just be boned.
   
4. Carry a weapon.
   Carrying a weapon is a good idea if things are getting dangerous around you. Maybe not something extreme like a knife or gun, but defensive weapons do help you. Escape is the best course of action. But defending against a person or thing that is trying to hurt you is going to work for your benefit in the long run.
   
5. If you see something out of the corner of your eye, then turn to see nothing… Get the hell out of there!
   Does this really need any explaining? It didn’t back in 2017, and I don’t think it does now. Keep in mind, this only refers to a hypothetical horror movie situation. And this is real life, so we’re good. I think…
   
6. Stand in the corner of the room.
   This was a weird tip to give out and is clearly a slight reference to the movie The Blair Witch Project (though that had people facing the corner), but 2017 Vinnie actually had a point. Corners have an a great vantage point, and you can see the entirety of a space at once. This usually works in horror films if you’re needing a good place for a final stand. However it works in real life too! Hang around the outside corners of a party, that way you don’t get overwhelmed, and there is an easy escape. Now, if only I could get invited to a party. <.<
   
7. Don’t spend the night with someone you’ve only just met.
   In 2024, it is a lot easier to convey the message “Don’t spend the night with people you don’t know.” In a horror film, this concept is always taken to the extreme. Whether it’s an unsettling hotel receptionist, a hookup, or any other suspicious “well-meaning” character. You can’t be too sure they’re not out for your blood.
   
8. Put that thing back where you got it or so help me…
   The internet really says it best. Do not fuck around with creepy objects that are just lying around or hidden in a place. The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis from any of the Evil Dead movies, the puzzle box from Hellraiser, the creepy mask from You Might Be The Killer. The list goes on and on. Each weird thing is messed with and sets off the movie’s deadly events. Therefore, it stands to reason you need to mind your business and don’t touch anything sketchy.
   
9. Stay away from dolls. And Clowns.
   Does this need explaining? Dolls are just creepy. In the case of horror movies, that scare factor only increases! They’re usually cursed by a ghost, inhabited with the life force of a murderer, or are just mildly unsettling for no reason. These include Chucky from the Child’s Play franchise, Annabelle from The Conjuring universe, M3gan from M3gan. And… clowns… Well, does anyone besides Matthew Patrick find clowns delightful? I mean look at some of the scariest clowns in movies and TV. Twisty the Clown from American Horror Story, the clowns from Hell House LLC, and Bianca Del Rio.
   
10. Be mindful.
    Put your perception and wisdom to good use. Bad things befall people who aren’t aware of their surroundings in horror films. Leaving weapons or dangerous equipment on and around haphazardly. Leaving doors or windows unlocked. Not seeing the shadow looming in your closet doorway. Sometimes, it helps to be somewhat vigilant or paranoid. It can sometimes serve a character well. Clear Rivers from the Final Destination franchise used her wits to realize Death would never stop coming for her and hid herself in a mental institution under constant watch. And it worked for her! Joel from Scream 2 used regular old logic to realize that being Gale Weather’s cameraman was a bad idea and left the second he realized he was too close to the action. And it worked!
    

Obviously, this list is for fictional situations. Horror movies are not real. They’re fiction. They’re stories crafted with the purpose to possibly scare or entertain an audience. So, yeah. Not every person in any given scary movie is going to be smart about things they do. There wouldn’t be many good scares in a scary movie where everyone used logic.